I've Got the Solution to the Terry Schiavo Case!

Marry Terry Schiavo to Elian Gonzalez.

Okay, he's eleven but all things considered, he's probably mature for his age.

Elian gets citizenship, Terry gets a new legal guardian, everybody's happy.

And if he tries to pull the plug, we deport him as a spy. And if she recovers and objects to a husband who wasn't even born before she went into a vegetative state, she goes in the hoosegow for pandering.