New Scrawl

My brother is taking part in a satirical project in which he plays a Fox News Anchor. He asked me for help writing the "news crawl ticker" at the bottom of the screen.

Here's what I came up with:

GETTING BETTER: US Troop celebrate third anniversary of insurgency's final throes

GLUB, GLUB: John Kerry leaves goldfish to die while carrying two senior citizens, baby down drainpipe of burning building

REFORM US: Bush's Social Security reform plan receives 100% approval rating in recent poll of Gitmo detainees

POTTY MIND: Sun newspaper to release shocking photographs of Saddam defecating into white porcelain bowl in prison cell

TO THE RESCUE: US military recruiting offices across nation besieged by Young Republicans trying to enlist for Iraq Occupation

MISSING WOMAN: Sara Knowles, of Wall Walla Washington disappears after family picnic; police investigating - never mind, turns out she's black

Donald Rumsfeld downgrades Britain to "Old Europe" status. New Europe now consists of Poland & Estonia

ON O'REILLY FACTOR: "Are Spiders Stealing my socks?"

ON HANNITY & COLMES: Hannity challenges Colmes to see who can hit the softest

NEW AMENDMENT: Burning US Flag punishable by prison; burning Confederate Flag punishable by lynching

ON HANNITY & COLMES: Does Colmes' mother smell like farts?

Three Idaho farmers declare their land an independent nation, are quickly inducted into Coalition of Willing.

Florida lab technician sentenced to death after dropping Petri dish of stem cells

57 percent of people polled by Harris give Bush an "unfavorable" rating, are questioned by Secret Service

US Government grants asylum status to Tony Blair